Why would I turn away something beautiful and good in my life, for an unknown, unseen and unrealised future? “Kotahi tonu te hiringa i kake ai a Tāne ki Tikitikiorangi, ko te hiringa i te mahara…” there was but one reason Tāne (atua of the forest, light) ascended to the heavens, to Tikitikiorangi - an unwavering belief to actuate his potential.
This is a verse from an oriori (lullaby), you can read more about by clicking here, while we get on with why it features in this post.* Coincidentally enough, this story is also depicted in tāmoko on my right leg. TMI?? haha maybe not… maybe an insight into why this verse and why this story means so much to me. Me hīkoi tāua, let’s walk.
Earlier in the year, I lay awake in bed, and my conscience reckons, ‘is this it, Hana? Is this your life, is this all you can give?’ and to give context, I was doing pretty ok. I had Te Urupū Media up and running, Cass and I were happy and doing well, we were enjoying life as 25 year olds, cruising and having a good time. Life was good. But this night, for reasons I’m still unsure of, I was confronted with a truth I’d been trying to ignore;
that I could give more to life and be more, and I hadn't been giving or being that.
I was comfortable - I mean, it’s a nice place, but nothing ever grows there. I stopped demanding the best from myself and this internal conversation was the catalyst to change that. The next day, I started to make changes. I began to research how to plan and prioritise better, how to be more productive and set about experimenting with a few different approaches. This is when I first tested the 4:30am wake ups by the way, and oooh once I got my routine going and into a nice flow, it felt good.
The mahi (work) I was doing online and my platform began to grow, I was growing, I felt like I was finally giving more to life.. but there was still something not quite in the right place, something was 'off' and I had no idea what, not that I was conscious of anyway. I came back to NZ for my cousin’s wedding in April and home does what home does - something happened and it felt like a switch flipped, and I knew I had to move back, soon.. Upon my return to Perth two weeks later, the pull to move home became so strong, I couldn’t deny or ignore the momentum that had built up.
Within a month and a half, I moved back to Aotearoa.
As you may or may not have noticed, I returned alone. A month after the move, Cass and I separated and I broke up with my best friend. All in the spirit of wanting to experience my potential... of this unseen future that didn’t even exist anywhere but in my mind (yet). To describe the feeling, it’s like there was no way I couldn’t pursue this, not if I was being true to myself and what I believed I was here for. There were other contributing factors and details to why our relationship ended, which are for him and I to reflect on, but this decision played a major role in how things have unfolded. Which begs the question,
was/is it worth it?
In my book, I write about how becoming the best version of yourself is your contribution back to the world and to your whakapapa (ancestry). Realising your potential, developing and refining the skills and abilities you were born with, unbecoming everything you’re not to embody who you are on the inside, at your core, growing into the greatest expression of yourself - this is what life’s about. Throughout that journey, you connect with others to collaborate, create and live a meaningful life together - another part of what life’s about.°
So to finally answer the question… painfully, not without it’s challenges and a heaviness in knowing I hurt someone in the process - 100% worth it. And I don’t say that to belittle or dismiss Cass (who proof read this before I shared it), or our relationship in any way; our time together includes some favourite moments of my life. I say this in terms of the fact that we all grow. It’s natural and necessary, but also painful AF sometimes.
Sometimes we grow together, sometimes we grow apart, sometimes we grow out of/into relationships - with ourselves, other people, even circumstances.. And at this particular stage in my/our journey, we’re growing in different directions, working on different things - with the hope, nah not hope.. with te hiringa i te mahara, the unwavering belief that for both of us to live into our potential, to become the best versions of ourselves
- means time apart.
In the spirit of realising potential and with so much aroha and appreciation for you Cass, me koutou katoa, tēnā tātou.
*to introduce and explain it properly means a full intro and whakapapa - a whole blog series in itself, so please don’t assume I can’t be bothered. That couldn’t be further from the truth. If you want to learn more about it, the link is there, otherwise I’ll give you the practical application for how and why it’s relevant to your life, k? Ka pai.
°My understanding of the meaning of life, not the meaning of life lol it’s your life, decide for yourself what it means to you and live that.