rebuilding trust after things didn't work out how you wanted

We’re into week two of making interpretations of Tamatekapua’s betrayal of Ruaeo and the events that ensued as a result: changing the appearance of the night sky, disorienting the navigators aboard the waka, delaying their trip and introducing Tamatekapua to his fists at Maketu.

I don’t know of stories about Ruaeo, post-arrival to Aotearoa, besides roughing up Tamatekapua and continuing on his way. If you do, please send ‘em through — but while we’re here, I wanted to focus on that internal (eternal..) process of rebuilding trust after a thing happens not the way you planned, or someone/something betrays you

hey, maybe you even betray yourself and what you’re about — your values and principles…

things go wrong, you fail, you lose, you get rejected or abandoned…

It can be incredibly difficult to trust others again, to let people in and to be vulnerable, sure. But you know what’s even harder?!!

Rebuilding trust with yourself.

How can you trust your own judgment or decision making abilities if they’ve caused this much pain? You put yourself on the line for someone or for a cause only for them to take you for granted, how do you trust that won’t happen again or know you'd be able to handle it if it did? What did you miss the first time around? Is it worth it to try again?

Just some thoughts that have made my mind and heart home at various moments along the journey so far… not right now though, just wanted to clear that up haha life’s great at the moment but it hasn’t been without patches of distrusting myself.

Which, as hard as they were,

if it meant living the life I have now — I’d go through them all again. every time.

How you and I work through our grief, pain, trauma and sadness will vary because we have different experiences, values, demons we’re facing, daily demands, different whakapapa (ancestry).. so our way of feeling the pain and healing it — and rebuilding trust afterwards will be different too. Whatever that looks like and whatever course that takes, so long as it doesn’t harm you or others, take it.

And also remember that light shines always; that we are born of light, therefore are light (Urutengāngana whakapapa); that there are over 140 phases of Te Kore and Te Pō (formless potential, darkness, confusion) which always phase into Te Ao Mārama, the world of light. That innate yearning in us to reach for the light, in all it’s forms (love, knowledge, belonging, warmth, life). That Tāne (atua of the forest) and Tāwhirimātea (atua of the winds)defeat Whiro (atua of misfortune)and his armies to obtain the baskets the knowledge so as their descendants we have the capacity to do the same…

but don’t forget, darkness is part of our whakapapa too.

It’s an essential phase of creation; from the beginning of the world, pēpi in their māmā’s bellies and seeds sowed in the ground. what we enjoy in te ao mārama comes from the darkness — comes from moments where the depths of our character is tested, our resilience is challenged and our courage, required.

I haven’t yet learned how to change the stars and where they sit in the sky, or felt the need to fight someone to even things out (I’d be terrible and either try hug or talk it out or walk away) lol but anyway I think you get the gist. There were probably other parts to the process as well but these are the main points for how Ruaeo worked through this mamae (pain).

But we must rebuild. That is the constant.

Rebuilding trust is exactly that, a rebuild. You clear away the junk and piece by piece, you rebuild and fortify something stronger, perhaps more compassionate, and understanding in its place.

Ngā mihi maioha,

Hana.

ps: what Ruaeo did had major spiritual/ceremonial elements to them to keep him safe — like everything our tupuna did so shouldn’t be diluted to just the physical acts/events.