Where have your expectations of what a relationship should be like, come from?


Relationships. They’re rewarding and fulfilling as hell, but they take work. Establishing and building trust, setting boundaries, learning the effects the environment has on it and so on… take notice of your thoughts real quick - were you thinking of your relationship with your whānau? friends? significant other? ex? pet? boss? coworkers?

Did you think of your relationship with yourself at all?

Take another moment to think about the various relationships in your life and reflect on how well they’re doing, how ‘healthy’ they are. Whether it’s with other people, with finances, with food - make the time and wānanga (internalise) this for a bit. Get your Hineteiwaiwa (atua of weaving, birth) on and get thinking about how you weave in different people, experiences and environments to your world. I’m no weaver of harakeke, or muka (flax, fibre) but I dabble with the metaphorical expression of weaving ideas together… so we’ll use those analogies in this post.

Based on my wealth of knowledge and expertise in this field*, if we were to weave a takapau (mat), we would carefully select, harvest, and prepare the strands before assembly. We’d assess how each strand interacts with the next, to ensure a good fit. We’d be thorough in making sure we didn’t weave together rotten or weak pieces - for doing so would compromise the whole takapau.

If you are the metaphorical mat, complete with various strands of relationships - with people, with experiences, with environments - would you be structurally sound? Would parts of you be tattered and worn out?

Would some edges be brand new because you’re reluctant to put yourself out there and dare to try?

What would your takapau say about you and the relationships you’ve woven into your own? Better yet, let’s break that down even more… what are your relationships like when they’re healthy? Unhealthy? What causes the dis-ease? What measures do you use to decide if the relationship contributes to your wellness, mission or happiness?

Where have your expectations of what a relationship should be like, come from?

Who taught you to weave? Are we too accepting of how things are and just take things as they come, without asking why? Especially when we think of #1, how many of us put in the energy, time and attention to working on our relationship with ourselves?

You probably already know, but when you know yourself.. when you know your natural state, your uninterrupted, uninfluenced, neutral state - you pick up on anything and everything that affects it. You become more sensitive to the people, the activities, the spaces and places that contribute to or limit and diminish that natural state.

Just like how you can weave relationships into your life, you can weave them out - you’re in control after all.

Tēnā tātou,



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