accepting I wasn’t ok let me heal

Have you ever had those days, weeks, months or years that were both the worst but also best at the same time? 2015 was one of those years for me and just these past few weeks seem to have that similar vibe about them. We’re covering Rongo (atua of balance, āio, cultivation), but this wasn’t really the ‘balance’ I had in mind, initially….

I’ve had feels, thoughts and emotions rise up to the surface from mamae (trauma) I thought I’d resolved or didn’t even think needed resolving… I was starting to unravel the surface level ‘quick-fixes’ I’d been using to suppress what actually really needed to be dealt with… and by accepting I wasn’t ok*, wasn’t myself and had some serious work to do,

I could finally start healing, properly.

It’s been one of those pull on one thread and the rest gives way, then the floodgates open. I’ve cried more in the last week than I have in the last six months!  Cutting through the layers that had accumulated over time, that covered up not only the mamae, but also the version of me that had been on standby while I busied myself with kaupapa and had affirmations on cue to cheer me up and top me up with feel good vibes to get work done. But bruh, top ups are called top ups for a reason,

they’re supplementary to a core, foundational something.

So I eliminated the top ups and sat in that awkward, exposed, nakedness and I realised I was sad. Really sad actually, and I had never addressed it. I made out like the thing I was upset about didn’t affect me. I convinced myself I was alright, wasn’t phased and the coping mechanism of choice looked to suppress feelings, emotions and thoughts, it looked like making myself so busy I got sick, it looked and oooooh did it feel like growth, i.e. painful.

But when I recognised this sadness, without judgement, I just surrendered to it and let whatever needed to come up wash over me do its thing. Soon after, another wave started to rise up but this one was full on joy and goodness. Weird, I know, but keep reading. The mauri kicked into action and started to make me feel better, apparently a natural physiological reaction when you’re feeling down, and my deep sadness was now met with an intense happiness, and the emotional weight just melted away.

The balance started to restore itself when I finally got out of my own way to let it flow.

Who would’ve thought I was the problem? Haha of course I was/am but I guess I didn’t want to acknowledge how bad it really was? But it made me think, it’s as if we don’t want to feel sad, or bad and so we suppress it. We don’t want the initial sting of feeling vulnerable and exposed, so we don’t let ourselves get sad. Or maybe we’re not equipped with what we need to navigate that space, so we stay away for fear of being consumed by it.

But Rongo is the equaliser. The balance, the harmony, the peace. The atua of cultivation — and I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure before you plant any seed, you ensure the soil is fit for it to grow. Weeds that have grown wild must be cleared away and you must give life and nutrients back to the whenua (land).

Pretty much exactly the phase I’m going through at the moment. Ha, so I guess it is the balance I was looking for after all, even if I didn’t recognise it initially.

Funny that.

Tēnā tātou,

Hana.

*Always ok, always on the right path, always trust that things will work out. Not ok in terms of needing to heal.