stop trying to fix me, I’ll figure it out.

We’ve all got our stuff. Stuff we don’t understand, stuff we’re trying to make peace with, let go of, analyse, make into something, learn from, dissect, ignore, play down… we’ve all got it. Some of its not even ours to carry. Some of the stuff is old and deep, perhaps even inherited from those before us.. some a little more fresh. 

we’ve got our stuff, so of course other people have their stuff too.

Let’s clarify ‘stuff’ real quick (it’s probably obvious but to make sure we’re all on the same page): challenges, pressures, stresses, responsibilities, obligations.. you know, stuff.

Though we might share similarities in the challenges we face, the systems we’re stuck in and so on, how we navigate our path will vary to some degree. As individuals and as a collective, there’ll be variation in the pace, willingness, confidence, acceptance and so many other factors by which the journey is approached.

I’ve had a few awesome (uncomfortable + humbling) learning opportunities with this very thing in the last couple months and boy do I feel like a dick…. because they reminded me,

“we see the world not as it is, but as we are,”

and we (I in this case) often assume our way is the right way… here’s a question for ya we’re get straight to it, what is your first reaction when someone you care about is upset, bothered, or not their usual self? You want to help them, right?

We’re conditioned to want to help others. If they’re not happy, if something’s wrong and we care about them, we’ll cheer them up. We’ll make them ok again. We’ll be the sunshine in their day and we’ll help them with whatever’s going on…

But have you ever stopped to think about why? ‘Because I’m a good person’ yeah cool, deeper than that… here’s my thought process: I want to help them because they should be happy, why? I don’t like seeing them unhappy, why? It makes me uncomfortable (oh shit, it’s not supposed to be about me, go again), why? They deserve to be happy and I can/want to help, why? If they’re unhappy and I can’t help them, what does that say about me as their friend/whānau (I swear this isn’t about me…. is it?).

We want to help others with their stuff, because we care about them, of course.. and I’m not saying don’t do that, I’m more so trying to highlight how we’ve demonised feelings and thoughts of indifference, of sadness, of anger, of doubt and that whole whānau to the point that when we feel and think them, we’re made to believe we shouldn’t and that something is wrong, something needs to be fixed.

— stop trying to fix me, I’ll figure it out.

When harm is a factor intervention is necessary, don’t @ me that’s not what I’m referring to here.. what I’m getting at is often we interfere with someone else’s journey, especially when it takes them through the phases described above that are darker than ideal, because we just want to help!

However, in doing so we can limit their capacity to be transformed by their stuff, to develop a deeper understanding of themselves and their journey, and make awesome explorations into the newfound depths of their character. The pounamu they find here will help deconstruct the old and pave the way for something new.

So what impact does our ‘help’ really have?

Everyone has their own journey(s) and is at a different point on it. There are intersects along the path and sometimes it intertwines with others, creating a beautiful pattern and story — but that doesn’t warrant us to take the path for others, or tell them how to navigate it, nor should anyone take ours for us.

We all have our stuff. Maybe if we were more accepting of that and reality of what that looks like, how it feels etc., we’d allow ourselves and others the space, the love and the trust to figure it out.

Tēnā tātou,

Hana.